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March 7, 2019

Recently, my sister and I took our toddlers for a walk to buy a morning coffee. As we walked, my sister asked if I had a preference as to where we might dine.

“Somewhere with good high chairs,” I replied.

There wasn’t a mention of location or coffee quality. High chairs were my primary focus.

Now, this got me thinking about how different my train of thought is since becoming a mother.

About how I see everything, through mum goggles.

Invisible, yet highly efficient goggles that compartmentalise the parenting world into three specific categories, or modes.

Modes which are best described using some of New Zealand’s finest sayings:

1.      Sweet as

2.      She’ll be right

3.      Bugger!

First, we have Sweet as. Sweet as helps us to see things that make ours’ and our toddlers’ lives safer, smoother, and more enjoyable.

Things such as, the red dot stickers at Farmers. All playgrounds, beaches and pet stores within reasonable driving distance from home. The washing pegs, to organise into size and colour order. Mum’s old handbags, shoes, and make-up brushes. The cheese sticks at the supermarket. The cafes with the best toy baskets. The shops with the best parking. The toothbrushes with flashing lights that make brushing teeth seem like a dance festival. The check-out operators that don’t use judgey eyes when your toddler throws a half-eaten sausage onto the conveyer belt and expects it to be scanned.

Next, we have She’ll be right. She’ll be right helps us to see things that are a threat to our toddlers’ safety, or, our own sanity.

Things such as,the dog poo in the grass. An unattended glass of mummy juice (wine.) A toilet with the lid left temptingly open. The sun (cue sunscreen and hat). The cold (cue jumper and hat.) A saggy nappy. Strange smells. The open road. The cat’s tail. Draw handles. The TV remotes. Every poor spider in the house that will be jumped on. The running hose pipe that is long enough to stretch indoors. The floating bugs in the splash pool which may serve as potential snacks. Dummies that do not belong to your child. Sippy cups that do not belong to your child. Any food that does not belong to your child. Words that you do not want your toddler to imitate. (They are always listening.) Furniture that can be climbed, jumped on or used as a vehicle. Mud. Sand. Plugs. Buttons. Switches. The rubbish bin.

And finally, we have Bugger! Bugger! Helps us to see things that are beyond our mum goggle prevention.

Things such as, a dirty naked bottom running in the other direction (exposed code brown). A sagging swim nappy (diluted code brown.) Accessible pet food bowls that are mysteriously no longer full. Sudocream that doubles as both a barrier cream, wall paint, and eyeshadow. A bowl of spaghetti bolognaise on a small head. Dog nostrils that require full finger inspections. Dog bottoms that require the same inspecting. Books with missing pages. Iphone screens with decorative smashing. Water. Water to saturate a fresh outfit change when you are already late for work. Water to create a tsunami in the bath adding to the irreversible water damage. Water to pour on the sleeping cat. Water to drink out of the dog bowl. Water to jump in when wearing socks and shoes whilst said shoe wearer is already fighting a head cold. Silence. Silence as the decorative qualities of a full nappy’s contents are discovered. Silence as your wallet is snatched from the counter and its contents carefully hidden throughout the house. Silence as a dummy is inserted into the dryer and left unnoticed for a full cycle.

Mum goggles – without a doubt the most useful, exhausting and exhilarating goggles available on the market.

Goggles which transform your world.

And although wearers of such miraculous goggles may not always be aware of it, they can trust that their goggles will always be silently scanning, supporting and on the unavoidable occasion, Bugger-ing.

But users beware. In order to keep your goggles functioning at their most efficient, take care to find time steal a moment to yourself each day, in order for them to reset.

A moment to see the world with your own, adult eyes.

After all, even mum goggles require recharging every now and then.

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